[AKN #26] 6 month krappiversary, diet update, and how to cook a chicken by slapping the shit out of it
another krappy newsletter #26
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Gang. I have been writing this newsletter for half a year. How crazy is that? The even crazier part? I started it 5 months into quarantine. Fuck us, right?
As a celebration of sending out my krappy newsletters for the last 6 months, here is a listicle of 6 lessons I have learned during this email newsletter experiment:
The best way to add people to your email list is to ask them directly for their email and add them yourself. Make the steps for anything stupid simple and people will do it. We are all lazy. Adjust accordingly.
A large number of people are convinced that they have the best email address. But it’s weird because none of these people have an amazing email address like TaylorSwiftFan69@hotmale.com, they instead have an email that is a wordplay on their last name. How played out is that? Am I right?
*Looks around nervously as if people don’t see right through his hypocrisy*
Having a weekly deliverable is the only reason I get anything published. It is easy for me to make excuses week after week about why I can’t publish some giant essay I am working on. I know because I have six giant essays that I am actively “working on” but aren’t “ready”. A weekly email newsletter though? I can do that.
Writing and editing are separate activities. Writing is word vomit on a page. Editing is being ruthless about word choice. Don’t do them at the same time.
Curating content is cool, but I don’t get much enjoyment out of it. I prefer writing something unique and weaving other people’s work into that essay.
The responses you get will differ significantly. There a few different types of people I get responses from such as:
The Fan. As a narcissist, this is my favorite person. They tell me I am pretty, I smile and I become more likely to write another edition next week.
The Surprisingly Knowledgeable Poster. They give you amazing feedback on your post or make you think about something in a different way. This person is great. But they take a lot of effort to respond to. Easier to just have people tell me I am pretty, but I love this person. Don’t ever change.
The Lurker. This person reads everything but responds to none of the emails. The only reason you know they read it is because when you run into them they tell you how great everything you write is. Tell me I am great! Praise me!
The Compliment Sandwich Objector. Sometimes I will write a very very minor point like “fuck Jigglypuff” in a 2,000-word piece. It might be a joke. It might be something I half-heartedly believe. Either way, I think nothing of it. But what I didn’t know is that there is someone on the list who rides or dies with Jigglypuff. Buckle up cause you are about to get:
[1 sentence of praise for all your previous work]
[a 6 sentence soliloquy about why you don’t understand the importance of Jigglypuff breaking the stranglehold that skinny characters such as Pikachu had over the Pokemon Kingdom]
[1 sentence of praise for all your future work]
You learn a lot about what people consider off-limits when you post your opinion online.
This thing has been a blast to write. I look forward to continuing on for the next six months.
On to the newsletter!
Table of contents
Elimination diet update
How to cook a chicken by slapping the shit out of it
1. Elimination diet update
I finished up the first three weeks of my elimination diet on Sunday.
Over the next month, I will reintroduce foods to get an understanding of what foods sit well with me and which ones don’t. It’s been a cool experiment so far and…you know what…yep. Fuck it. We are doing another listicle. It’s listicle Tuesday.
My results/takeaways so far:
Weight loss. I lost 10 pounds. This is great, but I still feel like I let myself go too much over the holidays to call this a huge win. Nice to be back on track though.
Skin health. My skin has never had fewer zits in my entire adult life. It is odd to think about how I was eating something for decades that my body was trying to signal it couldn’t handle. It was like “oh we will send up another zit, that should tell him what we think of his dairy consumption!” Nope. I just eat more ice cream to numb the sadness I feel because of the zit. Vicious cycle.
I can do any diet as long as it’s time-bound (ie: only 3 weeks long) and it involves me making a limited number of decisions (ie: all I have to do is make one good decision at the grocery store instead of 10 different good decisions at restaurants).
Fruit can be a pretty dece dessert. But chocolate and ice cream are still way better.
I miss the ritual of drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. However, I have become very cognizant of my haphazard consumption of coffee. I should not be drinking 3 cups of coffee a day. Most of the time I am doing it because I am bored. I am not even paying attention to whether or not another cup is giving me the desired effect. I just want to pass time and I like the taste of coffee.
Reset: It was nice to reset all of my tolerances for caffeine, alcohol, and sugar. However, I am stoked to be bouncing off the walls and getting plastered in no time! But with a little more intention. “Mindfully blacking out” if you will.
After I get through the reintroduction period, I will write up a larger piece on everything I learned and how I went about executing it.
2. How to cook a chicken by slapping the shit out of it
Simulation is a powerful tool.
It allows us to figure out what is going to happen before we actually run the test.
It also allows us to see what would happen if we were able to do something that is physically impossible. Such as slapping a chicken at Mach 5.
Fun fact: If you slap a chicken at Mach 5, you would instantaneously cook it AND it would explode. Science.
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