[AKN #121] Holiday Hot Takes
LIVE: Last Picture From Dying Robot On Mars, LAUGH: Man Orders Nothingburger On DoorDash, LOVE: 12 Days Of Christmas Talks About More Birds Than You Already Thought It Did
Sup homies?
The hardest part about being me is my propensity to trap myself into extremist opinions.
Like the other day I got into an argument with basically everyone I know about whether it would be better to have a hook hand or a peg leg.
As far as I was concerned, the answer was clearly hook hand and it boggled my mind that nearly everyone else fell squarely on Team Peg Leg.
After a fair amount of debate, I concede that Team Peg Leg has a decent argument.
(Though I still think they underestimate both the utility and sex appeal of a hook hand.)
You would think that experiences like this would lead me to be a bit more cautious with the positions I attach myself to…however you could not be more wrong.
I simply have a penchant for being extremely opinionated and — for some reason — people like it.
It’s my special gift that I’m meant to share with the world.
And for this holiday season, I would like nothing more than to share with you two of my hottest takes.
1. Nothing Is More Infuriating Than A Niche Famous Person Who We Continue To Make Relevant
Imagine the most important moment of your life.
The birth of your child. Your wedding day. The moment you landed that dream job. The day you found out you were cancer free.
Now imagine instead of being able to sit there and savor this moment with yourself and your loved ones, you instead were forced to take a photo with a Turkish guy who went viral on Instagram for salting meats.
This was what happened to the Argentinian soccer team after they won the World Cup.
Now soccer is an abysmal sport that could really use some foundational rule changes to make it even the slightest bit watchable.
However!
No one deserves the culmination of their life’s work to be shared with some egotistical meat jockey.
But it is not so much Salt Bae who infuriates me as it is what Salt Bae represents.
As of today, we have never been more at risk of making a mediocre person famous.
Salt Bae. Meghan Markle. Speed. Harambe.
Every day we plunge further into chaos.
2. Black Panther Is A Bad Movie
I haven’t seen the second movie, but the first Black Panther sucks.
Sorry. It does.
And if you put aside the cultural significance of it being the first Black super hero in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, you will realize how bad the plot is.
Allow me to elaborate.
First, Black Panther is a prince. Meaning from the get go you are asked to root for a monarchy. A monarchy whose entire claim to power comes from the fact that they rule a place which sits on top of a huge mine of valuable natural resources. There is no vote over who should rule Wakanda. They simply hand the power down from generation to generation with no mind to whether or not there is another more capable person within Wakanda who should rule. I couldn't think of anything less American.
Second, you are introduced to Wakanda’s unique strategic advantage over the rest of the world. You see, they sit on top of a mine of vibranium — a magical substance which allows Wakanda to build the most technologically advanced civilization on the planet. Now of course with great power comes great responsibility! So you are then told about Wakanda’s grand vision of what they are going to do with their priceless treasures and incredible technologies. That vision?…Drum roll please…DO LITERALLY NOTHING. Seriously. That is the Wakanda plan from the get go. Do nothing. Hide from the world. Pretend like you are a third world country and don’t have the most advanced technology on the planet. Because that’s what heroes do…But in reality, this is actually what monarchies do. They hoard the resources for themselves at the detriment to the rest of the world. Seriously. They have groundbreaking technology which could save people from life threatening conditions (as they show later in the movie when they have to save a Shield official’s life). They could theoretically provide us with enough energy to come off of our energy dependence from nefarious nations. AND THEY DON’T. Because listen, rest of the world. You can enjoy your perpetual Malthusian struggle and eventual climate change induced heat death. Wakanda’s good. Gonna sit this one out.
Third, you are introduced to the bad guy, Michael B Jordan. Jordan’s character is a black ops U.S. Navy SEAL who adopted the name "Killmonger." Oh wow that’s actually pretty fucking bad ass. But I bet his origin story is going to make me hate him…oh wait. It looks like Jordan’s father was murdered by the King of Wakanda. Oh well I bet it was for a good reason…uh. So the king murdered his father because he was planning to democratize Wakandan technology to free marginalized black people around the globe from oppression? And Jordan wants to…continue his father’s humanitarian work?? Hmmmm. That doesn’t sound like a bad guy!
So to recap the premise of the entire movie:
The superhero is a privileged rich kid whose capricious father murdered the villain’s father for trying to help people in need. The super “hero’s journey” is literally all about his struggle to maintain power over someone who is rightfully more capable than himself.
Netflix’s newest dumpster fire 'Harry & Meghan' has a more compelling hero than Black Panther.
And I cannot for the life of me understand how people see this movie as empowering. Like yea, it really is so crazy how he was able to be a superhero despite all the societal structural constraints of being born into the lineage of a monarchy and gifted a magical herb which grants him powers.
The only empowering part of the movie is how Michael B. Jordan’s character through hard work and determination takes over the crown of Wakanda and begins to enact change. Of course absolute power corrupts absolutely and Jordan becomes a little bit too murdery for my taste. But he was way more directionally correct than the do nothing Wakanda monarchy.
In my ideal world, they would rewrite this movie with the following changes.
Jordan would topple the Wakanda government and he would install a democratically elected government to lead Wakandan diplomacy.
He would open up trade with outside nations allowing everyone to prosper from their technologically advanced society as well as opening up an exponentially larger number of research projects to build technologies with their vibranium. Within a decade we would terraform Mars, desalinate the oceans to ensure droughts were forever eliminated, escape global warming with large-scale carbon capture technology, and genetically modify dogs to live forever.
He would install a televised American Ninja Warrior-esque competition to determine who would become Black Panther. Because it should always be about rewarding the best of the best.
Because that is what Utopia looks like, folks.
But no.
Instead we don’t get a meritocracy. We get nepotism. Power in Wakanda is all about who your father was. We are asked to believe that this Prince who is now the King is the chosen one. And we should be happy that this Prince was kind enough to open up some rinky dink outreach center for progress at the end of the movie. Like seriously. He opens up the Wakanda equivalent of the Derek Zoolander's Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. What progress! Such a feel good story! He definitely couldn’t have done more!
And that’s why Black Panther can suck it.
Because while most of you sat around thinking about how good it was, you forget about how great it could have been.
Anyway.
Hope you all have a happy holiday season and you get everything you desire from Santa or whatever other make believe present bringing fairy you believe in.
On to the newsletter!
✨ SPECIAL ANNOUNCMENT ✨
I’m not going to send this newsletter next week.
I know next Tuesday is not technically Christmas, but it is the “holiday season.”
I get it. You’re devastated. But come on, gang. It’s the holidays.
Do you even read your email during the holidays?
Not to shame you, but you shouldn't.
You should be ever present with the people who love you.
Like sure. I love you. Because I am a cosmic being having a human experience with an infinite capacity to love.
But maybe go talk to your loved ones or something? I don’t know. You’re an adult. You will figure it out
I will see you in the New Year, sport.
LIVE: Last Picture From Dying Robot On Mars
Four years ago, we landed Insight on Mars and it recently just took what is believed to be its last picture before it powers down.
Pretty cool. And in case you are curious why it is powering down, it is because dust is gathering on top of its solar panels.
So soon it won’t be able to absorb enough solar energy to maintain the requisite power to send us bomb photos of the Mars-scape.
LAUGH: Man Orders Nothingburger On DoorDash
This thread had me engaged from beginning to end.
LOVE: 12 Days Of Christmas Talks About More Birds Than You Already Thought It Did
Very bird forward song.
CLOSING TIME
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Disclaimer: Opinions expressed are strictly my own. Who else’s would they be?
Merry Christmas (yea, I said it, come after me),
K.Rapp
Team Peg Leg.